I Surrender All

Here I am.

Alone in the woods.

With God.

Beautiful snow falling all around. Heavy snow. I imagine it as God's love pouring down on me. I can hear the snow hitting the trees. The birds chirping all around.

So peaceful.

Empty me, God, of my selfishness, my bitterness, my unhappiness, my hurts, my sorrows.

Don't act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. Galatians 5:26

Fill me with Your love, Your kindness, Your humility, Your grace, Your mercy, and Your Spirit, Lord.

Show me how to love others as Jesus does.

Place Your hand tightly over my mouth when I start to speak before listening to Your voice.

Do everything without complaining or arguing. Philippians 2:14

Mold me and make me into the wife, mother, sister and friend You want me to be.

Change me into the woman You know I can be.

Help me to see that when I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, it is there You are trying to teach me something important. I need to be patient and wait for You.

Sitting on the quiet porch swing, smelling the wood in the fireplace burning my pain and my fears away... Swinging ever so slowly, as if God were rocking me gently, telling me everything will be okay... Snow lightly falling on me as if each flake were a kiss from my Father saying I Love You Cyndi, faults and all...

I will never understand or know the depth of Your love for a sinner, broken and torn, like me. Thank you for Your love, grace and forgiveness.

Hurting

I was really hurt today by some people that are very near and dear to my heart. While I am very excited about their daughter, I feel my daughter was purposefully held back.

I just want to make a new start. In a new city, a new church, a new house, a new job... In essence, I want to run away...

I have been hurt so much by people I love... will it ever end?

I am to the point I don't know how to trust people anymore. Is everyone out for their own these days? I just don't understand.

Stained-Glass Masquerade

I want to be honest here. I want to tell you exactly what kind of person I am. I want to get all the dark and dirty secrets out there for the world to see.

To see that I am far from a good girl.

Far from the mask I put on before work everyday, and before church on Sundays.

I want to tear down the walls I put up to hide my pain and my fears. My sins.

I want to be real with you.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16a 

But I am scared. 

Scared you won't like me anymore. 

Scared you will think I am a horribly awful sinner. 

Isn't this where grace comes in? Isn't that what Jesus is all about?

Grace. 

When I stumble, He is there to pick me up, dust me off, and get me back on the right path.
 
So why am I so scared to let you know that I have stumbled?  

"If they really knew me, they wouldn't love me."
"I am the only one who is struggling at this level."
"I am not so sure this group is safe for me to share my particular sins."

I am scared I won't be offered grace.

If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:10

It is so much easier to shame someone when they have fallen, rather than help them get back up.  

But why is that? 

So we can look like a better person because we haven't stumbled? 

Right? 

Everyone stumbles. We need to be more forgiving and offer more grace. Maybe then we would have more people coming to us, asking us where to find freedom from their sins. People want the freedom we have, but we aren't always so willing to give it away. 

We need to give it away more freely.  

Besides, that is what Jesus would do.

Right?

And the truth shall set you free...

So, I told Joe everything.

And I mean... Every. Thing.

He asked. I answered. Honestly.

All the deep, dark secrets I didn't want anyone to know.

He shared his secrets too.

Where we went wrong. Where we went right. Where we just weren't sure which way we went.

Such a burden lifted. It felt like chains came off. Walls came down.

So why are we now back at this point of no communication...

He is still with her...

I am still alone...

Lord, I am praying for Joe to be home by Christmas. My BIG, HAIRY, AUDACIOUS prayer! Lord, I know NOTHING is impossible with You but that ALL things are possible when I believe. Lord, change my heart and will and align it with Your will for my life. Grow me into the Proverbs 31 woman. Take away my doubt and replace it with HOPE for a new life with Joe. I have FAITH You are working in Joe's life.  Turn my eyes from my circumstances to You. In Jesus precious and Holy name, Amen. 

A blessing on the man who puts his trust in the LORD, with the LORD for his hope. He is like a tree by the waterside that thrusts its roots to the stream; when the heat comes it feels no alarm, its foliage stays green; it has no worries in a year of drought, and never ceases to bear fruit... Hope of Israel, LORD! (Jeremiah 17:7-8, 13)

One year...

Yesterday was one year since Joe moved out.

Raeli seems to remember it as much as I do.

Please pray for Raeli and Ryan.

Pray they are protected by Jesus during this time of separation.

Pray their eyes and ears are protected.

Pray their hearts are protected.

Sometimes God’s plan is different from ours. Trust that His timing is best, even if you have to wait. Romans 8:25

Thoughts of Perseverance...

Lord, I believe You! I trust You to be my Protector and my Healer. I trust that You know what the future holds for us and You alone have the power to change Joe's heart and turn his life around. I believe You when You say Joe is coming home. Lord, give me the patience and strength to persevere through this storm knowing on the other side is a marriage restored in Your name! Thank You Lord for carrying me when it gets to hard to stand. I love You Lord. 

Several times in the last week "perseverance" has been the theme. The VeggieTales movie the kids decided to watch... in the Living Room... while I was cleaning the Living Room... in several (and I mean like 8!) emails I have received since Sunday... in some posts by my friends on Facebook...

Just coincidence? 

I don't think so. God shows me things He wants me to see, so often through emails and my kids. Lately, I have been letting the devil get inside my head. He is telling me Joe isn't coming home.

Why do I let the devil have that much control? 

Because he knows what buttons to push to make us doubt...

I am actively choosing to not react to the devil, instead reacting to the truths God has told me. I search the Bible when the devil starts trying to get his foot in the door.

God gives me a thought... 

If I struggle this much, how much more is Joe struggling by not having the Lord to turn to in his confusion? 

Pray for us, please... 

One of my conversations with God this morning...

Lord, please give me a hope for my marriage where I see no hope right now. It has almost been a year since Joe left. I know he isn't happy or he wouldn't keep coming back to me at times. But he is still with her. 

Time is nothing to me.

Lord, I know. Your timing is perfect and I don't want to rush that. Please make me into the person You want me to be. 

I am. 

Lord, the waiting is so hard. Can You send me a sign? Show me Joe still loves me? Can You renew my hope in our marriage? And in Joe's salvation? Will You give me the strength to persevere? 

Trust in Me. 

Yes, Lord.  

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. Life has been real busy! :)

Lord, thank you for the renewed strength You have given me. I know You are with me even when I don't feel Your presence. I pray the desires of my heart will be aligned with Your will for my life. Thank You for working on Joe even though I may not see any evidence right now. In Jesus' name, Amen.   

Right now my biggest struggle is the guys that think just because my husband is not around, that I am available.

Really? I mean, Seriously?

It is the best way for Satan to get at me right now, not because of temptation, but because it frustrates me. These guys who are and were friends of Joe. Why do they think it is ok? Not to mention...

HELLO! There is a ring on my finger!  

I am STILL married!

Whether Joe wants to act like it or not, God still expects me to live with the vows I pledged on our wedding day! I committed "til death do us part" and "for better or worse"...

This just happens to be the worse part.

So now I have begun preparing for rain. I am getting my house in order, clearing out clutter, fixing broken things, learning to be a better steward of God's money, paying off any bills I can, among other things...

I have faith that God is bringing Joe home.

I just don't have the strength

Lord, give me strength. I want so much to smack Joe upside his head and shake him out of his stupidity. If he could only see what an impact his decisions are making on the kids. Lord, please show him. They hurt and it kills me to not be able to take that hurt away. Lord, You know the things Joe is thinking. Please Lord, help me to stand strong against Satan and his attacks until he is completely destroyed. I know I have the victory. I just don't have the strength. Lord, I want to curl up in a ball and hide away. It hurts when Joe wants to be so ugly. I know deep down it is Satan ruling Joe's life but it still hurts. Lord, help me to see past the hurts and the pains to the future You have in store for Joe and I, and Raeli and Ryan. Lord, protect Raeli and Ryan's hearts and minds. Allow them to see their daddy in the best light possible.


Holy Spirit, please pray for me.

And again I say, Satan WILL NOT win.

We have...

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we ask of Him." 1 John 5:14-15

I have read that verse for years but never really paid attention. "We have." Not we are going to have. Not might have. Not some have, some don't. I already have! I have been believing that God was going to heal my marriage. But what I should have been doing was praising God  for my healed marriage. I know my marriage may not look healed in the physical world, but in the spiritual world God says my marriage is healed.

I am reminded of the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20. Three armies were coming against Judah. God told King Jehoshaphat and his men the battle was His.

He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.'" 2 Chronicles 20:15

But GOD'S!

I love those two words! I am surrounded by enemies. Divorce, job loss, foreclosure... These things are scary.

But GOD!

He promises to fight my battles.

He promises me healing.

He promises to be my Redeemer.

After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the LORD and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: "Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever." As they began to sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were defeated. 2 Chronicles 20:21-22

The Israelites went to battle singing and praising God! They were doing a victory dance before the battle! That is what I need to do!

I know I am asking for God's will. (It is His will for me to remain married to the husband of my youth.)
So I know He hears my prayer. And I know I have my request-a healed marriage!

But here comes Satan... whispering in my ear... "It won't happen... you should find someone else... Joe won't change... Get on with your life..." Satan lies. He knows I have victory before the battle. The only thing he can do is get me to forfeit my victory by not believing in it. I can't let him steal my victory! So I read God's promises to myself everyday.

Remember the story of Jarius? If anyone had a reason to give up, it was him. He had a sick daughter and went to Jesus for healing.

While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jarius, the synagogue leader. "Your daughter is dead," he said. "Don't bother the teacher." Luke 8:49

I have heard those words from friends and family... "Your marriage is dead. Don't bother praying for it." Jesus told me the same thing He told Jarius:

"... Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed." Luke 8:50

I am dancing! My victory has been promised by the Everlasting God, the Redeemer of broken marriages.

What Faith can do...

I have been listening to Satan's mumblings too much lately.

Joe won't come home.

Joe doesn't love you or he would be with you.

Joe will never change.

You are just a doormat to Joe.

Joe hates you for making him pay child support through legal channels.

Joe is enjoying his life of sin.

Joe doesn't deserve you.

Jesus, can you get that for me? ;) Satan hates when I have Jesus answer the door. Especially when I know it is him knocking.

So! I am writing some inspiration today. I hope you enjoy! :)

God is able to do more than I can ever imagine!

I serve an amazing God who works miracles in His way, and in His timing.

An unbelieving spouse can reject all his partner's efforts, but the power of faithful prayer is unstoppable, reaching husbands and wives even without their permission.

As long as I am praying, there is HOPE.

I pray for God's voice to penetrate Joe's soul.

Lord, give Joe a new wife and let it be ME!

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel. Ephesians 6:19

If I am praying, something is happening in the lives of those I am praying for, whether I see it or not.

I pray, Lord, for ways to show Joe that I love him and accept him unconditionally.

I pray I will respect and esteem Joe. God give me ways to affirm him both publicly and privately.

God give me a picture of what You intend for Joe to be and then make it a reality! :)

Lord, please make Joe a Mighty Man of God and of prayer!

Lord increase my hope for Joe and my marriage.

God give me the strength and grace to wait patiently for the Spirit to complete his work in Joe.

Thank you Lord for the trials that make me stronger.

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. Isaiah 40:31

Satan will NOT win!

Satan will stop at nothing to tear my life apart when I am trying to live for God. He knows exactly what will make me fall. The sins of my past come back to haunt me. The sins of the present resound in my head and crush my heart. How can I move on from these sins Satan keeps drudging up from my past?

Maybe by truly asking God to forgive me of those past sins...
 
Maybe by truly forgiving myself for those past sins...

God knows everything about me! So why then is it so hard to go to Him and confess my sins that He already knows I have committed?

Isn't it so much easier to say, "Lord, forgive me of all my sins. Amen."

Then I don't have to really stop and think about all those bad things I have done... Or say out loud all those awful thoughts I have had... All those sins I have committed...

Then I don't feel so bad...

When I sit and confess my sins of even one day, I am sitting with the Lord for at least an hour! What kind of person am I to need to confess my sins of one day for an hour? That is a lot of sins!

But I am so far from perfect. And God knows this.

And God still loves me.

Thank you Lord for seeing past my sins and imperfections and loving me anyways. May I continually strive to do better at seeing others as you see me. Especially Joe, Lord. Help me to see Joe as You see him, as an imperfect person in need of a Savior. In Jesus' precious name, Amen.

Loneliness

Loneliness can make you do strange things. I lose my ability to think clearly when loneliness creeps in too far. I pray for strength but deep down I don't really want it.

I want to feel Joe's arms wrapped around me.

I want Joe to ask about my day. And care about my answer.

I want Joe laying in OUR bed. Next to ME. Where HE belongs.

I want Joe to help me with the kids homework... baths... discipline...

But this isn't about what I want. This is about what God wants. I know He is trying to teach me through this separation. So even though I want to feel Joe's arms around me telling me it will be ok, and there are some days when I think, "His arms will work... Or his will do... Or heck, even his arms will work..."  I know only God's arms will do.

How shameful! I don't really want another man's arms around me. But the devil tries to tell me it would make me feel better. But, I know it wouldn't.

So I go to God.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matt. 11:28-30 NLT 

Who else knows every one of my weaknesses and still loves me? Who else knows every one of my deepest, darkest secrets and still wants to be near me? Who else knows every one of my failures and still helps me get back up on my feet again?

I just keep telling myself, I serve an amazing God who works miracles in His way, and in His timing!

I don't need Joe's arms around me when I feel lonely! I need to go to God and ask Him to be my security and my safety while Joe is in Satan's grasp.

I ask God for a picture of what He intends Joe to be. I ask for God to give Joe a passion like David; wisdom like Solomon; obedience like Peter; and boldness like Paul. When I pray for Joe, I begin feeling so much better about our situation. I begin seeing Joe through God's eyes.

Lord God, I pray You would increase my hope for mine and Joe's marriage. I pray also that Joe would have a hunger and thirst for You, God. Lord, give me strength and grace to wait patiently for the Spirit to complete His work in Joe. I pray Your voice would penetrate Joe's soul. I know Lord, You are able to do more than I can ever imagine. In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Time is my Friend

During this time of separation from Joe, there are days I would love nothing more than to start over with a clean slate. I think it may give me closure, but I know deep down I would woefully regret that decision.

It is hard to follow God's voice when so many other voices are ringing in my ears.

"You deserve better."
"You should just move on." 
"He may never change."
"Hasn't it been almost a year now? Shouldn't you get on with your life? He has."

But if I listen to these voices and not the voice of God, who am I following?

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles." Isaiah 40:31

Trusting God includes waiting on Him to do whatever He is trying to do during this trial. Because God does not force His loving work into our lives, if I make rash decisions I am hindering God from accomplishing new spiritual and emotional growth in me and in Joe, as well as others around me. I need to give God time.

Reminds me of the story of Hosea and Gomer in the Bible. Hosea took one of the most unworthy (by the worlds standards) women and loved her. And he loved her unconditionally. He didn't love her because she deserved it. When the pull of her old lifestyle became too strong, he continued to love her.

Over and over again.

When she was unfaithful, he was faithful.

I don't ever want Joe to think he has gone to far to come home. Isn't that what unconditional love is all about? Unconditional love is not dependent on what Joe does or doesn't do. I believe Joe has so much potential to be a Strong Man of God. Not to mention, Joe's salvation is at stake! Is that not the MOST important?

I will continue to stand for my marriage. And love Joe like Jesus would.

~An unbelieving spouse can reject all his partner's efforts, but the power of faithful prayer is unstoppable, reaching husbands and wives even without their permission.~Pray Big for Your Marriage


Lord God, I pray for my husband. I ask you to open his eyes and help him to see the truth of Your Word. Please free him from the tyranny of Satan that currently rules and reigns in his life. I know he is a captive, so I ask You to set him free. I pray You will humble me and equip me to love and serve him without judging or preaching to him. Let my life be an example of Your love and mercy to him. I ask You to do whatever is necessary in and through me to win him. I submit my life to You fully as a sacrifice. Please take it and use it to bring about my husband's salvation. I pray all this in Jesus' name. Amen  

And later never comes...

Thank goodness God isn't like we are as Mom's sometimes...

 "Momma!"

"What?"  with irritation in my voice after being called for the umpteenth time...

"I just want to tell you I love you Momma."

Ouch. I have had that happen more times than I like to admit. :(  Does God ever feel that way about us? No! Of course He doesn't! He loves it when we want to talk with Him! So why do we put God on the back burner? Why do we say "I will read my Bible later." Or "I will spend time with God later."

And later never comes...

How disappointing I must be to my Savior who died so I might live!

I have good intentions. I want to draw closer to God. I want to read my Bible daily. I want to be a better Mom. I want to be a better wife, sister, daughter, and friend.

So what stops me? 

Is it the time? Is it the desire? Because I desire to be nearer to God. Or is it because I am afraid of what God might tell me I am doing?

Or not doing?

So many times I have let Satan have the best of me (or worst actually)...

From here on, I am going to do my best to be the Christian daughter God wants me to be. Of course I will fail at times. But I know Jesus will be there to pick me up, dust me off and put me back on the straight and narrow!

The Desires of my Heart...

• be a stay at home mom
• never miss a school party or ballgame
• feed my family home cooked meals (almost) daily
• be the Proverbs 31 wife God calls me to be
• respectful of Joe's needs and desires
• fresh tea every evening for Joe! (He loves fresh tea!) 
• never say No to sex with my husband! (Thanks Courtney @Women Living Well Blog)
• have a clutter free home
• be there for my kids when they need me
• be able to pay my bills on time :)

Desires

Life has been moving so fast lately. I just want it to slow down long enough for me to catch my breath. I feel as though I have no time. I want to simplify.

God keeps giving me this verse.

Delight yourselves in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

So I have been thinking... what are the desires of my heart?

Long time, No blog!

Wow! I has been awhile since I blogged. I am new at this and had actually forgotten about it... Life has been crazy!

Tonight the kids and I decided to have a Game Night! We are going to cook tacos and have a Wii Bowling tournament. I am excited! They are too! We are hoping to make this a priority in our house. Family Game Night every week! I will let you know how it goes!

I have been drawing closer to God through all life has thrown at me the last few months. I am excited to say He is still in control! How silly of me to forget that! I am growing day by day with God beside me. He has really shown me where I have failed as a mother, wife and friend. But He has also shown me where I am following the right trail. It is a long one but full of discovery! I will survive and come out of this storm stronger than ever because God is with me!

God has a sense of HUMOR!!

And then I receive this as my verse of the day...

 

10/12/2009

"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry."

James 1:19, NLT

What does MY GOD do?

Joe and I have been fighting. Well actually he is upset, (about what I am not sure. I have some ideas...) and he isn't talking to me. He is purposefully doing whatever he can to get under my skin. I have been praying this weekend about how to handle Joe. I feel God is saying don't be negative. (This is the first dare in the Love Dare book. And since I can't seem to get past day 5 I just keep at the very least doing day one. Which is, don't say or do anything negative toward your spouse today.)  So... What does MY GOD do? (He is so funny sometimes!) I receive a letter from God this morning, in the form of a daily devotional. The verse is
"Never pay back evil with more evil . . . Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good" (Romans 12:17, 21 NLT).
How absolutely funny is God? He knew this "kill him with kindness" is hard for me with how inconsiderate Joe is being of my time and feelings right now. So He decided to send me some inspiration to say I am following what He wants me to do. I just love that! He knows what I need just when I need it!
From a blessed child of Almighty God