Sin.
So hard to get away from.
I just want to run and hide.
Hide from the temptations... they are everywhere... haunting me even in my dreams...
It would be so easy to give in.
And I have at times gave in. I feel so ashamed. I succumbed to the taunts of the devil... the pleasures he teased me with... the thoughts that it would be okay because no one would ever know...
The sins were not worth the guilt and shame I felt afterward. Or the distance from God I feel now.
I know I am the one who stepped away from God.
I know I am the one who can ask forgiveness.
I know I am the one who will receive grace from my Father when I repent.
But there is a part of me that does not want to repent.
When I repent, I know I need to rely on God to strengthen me when the temptations arise again.
My flesh says I don't want to say no. I hate the loneliness. The quiet of the house when the kids are away is deafening.
I enjoy the company. He makes me laugh and forget the hurt, even if for just a moment while I am with him.
I know that is no excuse for my sins. The devil knows my weaknesses and hits me when I am the weakest.
I try. I really do.
I want to say no. I say no...
Then my flesh takes over and I give in. Instant regret and shame fill my soul.
I want so much to be the strong Christian woman that says no to the temptations thrown at her. But I am not.
It is hard to describe all the feelings and emotions I have been through the last year and a half. I hope if anyone still reads my blog, they will pray for me. Pray against the temptations that I face. Pray for the restoration of my marriage and family.
