Not Telling Others

Do we really understand the implications of not telling others about Jesus? Do we understand these people we aren't telling about Jesus are going to Hell? Do we truly understand what that means?

I don't think we do.

I don't.

I am too scared they will laugh at me or look at me like I am stupid. Is their laughing and scoffing and crazy looks worth it if it plants a seed in their life?

I need to be more bold in sharing my faith. In sharing Jesus' love. In sharing the real me. The one who fails. all. the. time. But I have Jesus ready and willing to extend grace.

What do those who don't know Jesus have?

My failure...

My mind is infiltrated with thoughts of utter failure.

I wonder what more I can do to make him love me, want me, desire me, find me captivating.

His harsh words and control make me shake with fear.

Its been a year and a half since he left and began an affair. A slap in my face, a testament to my failure. I believe the abuse and infidelity I have endured is a direct result of me not respecting my husband enough.

I sit in the pew week after week, with a delightful smile~dying a little more each day.

Regret and Shame

Sin.

So hard to get away from.

I just want to run and hide.

Hide from the temptations... they are everywhere... haunting me even in my dreams...

It would be so easy to give in.

And I have at times gave in. I feel so ashamed. I succumbed to the taunts of the devil... the pleasures he teased me with... the thoughts that it would be okay because no one would ever know...

The sins were not worth the guilt and shame I felt afterward. Or the distance from God I feel now.

I know I am the one who stepped away from God.

I know I am the one who can ask forgiveness.

I know I am the one who will receive grace from my Father when I repent.

But there is a part of me that does not want to repent.

When I repent, I know I need to rely on God to strengthen me when the temptations arise again.

My flesh says I don't want to say no. I hate the loneliness. The quiet of the house when the kids are away is deafening.

I enjoy the company. He makes me laugh and forget the hurt, even if for just a moment while I am with him.

I know that is no excuse for my sins. The devil knows my weaknesses and hits me when I am the weakest.

I try. I really do.

I want to say no. I say no...

Then my flesh takes over and I give in. Instant regret and shame fill my soul.

I want so much to be the strong Christian woman that says no to the temptations thrown at her. But I am not.

It is hard to describe all the feelings and emotions I have been through the last year and a half. I hope if anyone still reads my blog, they will pray for me. Pray against the temptations that I face. Pray for the restoration of my marriage and family.

I Surrender All

Here I am.

Alone in the woods.

With God.

Beautiful snow falling all around. Heavy snow. I imagine it as God's love pouring down on me. I can hear the snow hitting the trees. The birds chirping all around.

So peaceful.

Empty me, God, of my selfishness, my bitterness, my unhappiness, my hurts, my sorrows.

Don't act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. Galatians 5:26

Fill me with Your love, Your kindness, Your humility, Your grace, Your mercy, and Your Spirit, Lord.

Show me how to love others as Jesus does.

Place Your hand tightly over my mouth when I start to speak before listening to Your voice.

Do everything without complaining or arguing. Philippians 2:14

Mold me and make me into the wife, mother, sister and friend You want me to be.

Change me into the woman You know I can be.

Help me to see that when I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, it is there You are trying to teach me something important. I need to be patient and wait for You.

Sitting on the quiet porch swing, smelling the wood in the fireplace burning my pain and my fears away... Swinging ever so slowly, as if God were rocking me gently, telling me everything will be okay... Snow lightly falling on me as if each flake were a kiss from my Father saying I Love You Cyndi, faults and all...

I will never understand or know the depth of Your love for a sinner, broken and torn, like me. Thank you for Your love, grace and forgiveness.

Hurting

I was really hurt today by some people that are very near and dear to my heart. While I am very excited about their daughter, I feel my daughter was purposefully held back.

I just want to make a new start. In a new city, a new church, a new house, a new job... In essence, I want to run away...

I have been hurt so much by people I love... will it ever end?

I am to the point I don't know how to trust people anymore. Is everyone out for their own these days? I just don't understand.